The Five Love Languages
Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other’s needs.
That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:
What Are Some Examples Of Acts Of Service
If you or your S.O.’s love language is acts of service, here are a few examples of ways to show your love, according to experts:
- Refill their glass when empty.
- Let them sleep in while you get the kids ready for school or walk the dog, so they can get a few extra minutes of rest.
- Prepare them a nice meal or randomly take them out to a nice restaurant, so they donât have to cook when they get home.
- Do the dishes and/or help with other household chores without them asking.
- Unpack their suitcase after a long work trip so itâs one less thing they have to worry about.
- Nurse them back to health when theyâre feeling sick.
- Offer to give them a massage when theyâre feeling stressed or sore.
- Run errands for them.
- Figure out the logistics of a vacation so they donât have to.
- Plan a get-together with their closest friends and family to celebrate a birthday or other achievement.
What Is Language According To Aristotle
Aristotle believes that writing is a meaningful way of expressing spoken words, which is why written words are symbols of spoken sounds. Language by convention, whether spoken or written, cannot be said to be the same for all speakers, according to the key claim.
The Importance Of Language
Language is considered to be a form of activity that aims to communicate with the speaker and hearer, and is thus classified as such. Words and phrases are understood in a variety of ways, and the meanings of these words and phrases are determined by how they are used in a given context, as well as how the language community functions in that context.
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People Speak Different Love Languages
The key to realise is people speak different love languages, so it is important to ask or identify the people who are closest to you!
The 5 love languages are self-explanatory, but heres a brief description of what they mean:
- Words of Affirmation: Expressing verbal compliments or words of praise and appreciation.
- Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided, focused attention.
- Receiving Gifts: Giving gifts is symbol of love and affection.
- Acts of Service: Completing tasks and/or actions to show your love .
- Physical Touch: Feeling affection through physical touch .
Set Limits On Technology
Nothing hurts a quality time person more than to share something they feel is really important, and then to look up and realize their partner is only half paying attention while trying to answer an e-mail from a co-worker or respond to a text.
Make it a habit to put away your phone at dinner or during a coffee break and really focus on what your partner has to say. Even though you may not discuss anything earth-shattering, you are making an important and loving gesture by choosing your partner over technology.
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Love Language Criticisms To Consider
The five love languages provide a great framework for understanding your relationship and each other, but they dont necessarily represent exactly how everyone wants to give and show love.
Chances are that you resonate strongly with more than one of the love languages and your partner and other loved ones do, too.
Gender and cultural norms have also shifted quite a bit since the love languages were first introduced, and how we express love and how we want to be loved has shifted right alongside.
While we all have our own ways of expressing love, they dont necessarily fit neatly into one of the five presets laid out in a time when women were historically more likely to serve and men were better equipped financially speaking to give gifts.
If youre looking for better understanding and communication in a relationship, the original love languages can be a good start, but there are other tools you can use.
A survey by Truity, a company offering personality tests, recently shared their finding of seven love styles based on a survey of over 500,000 people. Consider it an updated framework of the original love languages, plus two extras. You can fill out their online quiz to figure out your styles.
Theres also the Routes of Safety model created by Jake Ernst, MSW, RSW, a Toronto-based psychotherapist, thats in his words, trauma-informed love languages.
Be Present And Available
When your partner is feeling insecure or going through a tough time, you can really show you care by simply being there and spending some quality time together. Even though you won’t be able to take all the discomfort awaynor should you be expected toyou will be able to demonstrate that you are present and available when they need you.
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What Does The Term Love Language Mean
According to Very Well Mind, a love language is how a person expresses and receives love either in a relationship, from a family member, or from a friend. There are five specific love languages, and people usually have one or two top love languages. By knowing someones love language, you can understand what actions make them feel the most loved.
People often have a primary love language and a secondary love language. While any kind act can make a loved one feel appreciated, knowing your love language and your loved one or partners love language can help strengthen your relationship and understand their emotional needs.
The Importance Of Linguistics
The study of human language is scientifically referred to as linguistics. Syntax and semantics are the two major branches of linguistics. Language structure is studied in linguistic terms, including lexicons and grammar. Semantics includes pragmatics and lexicography as well as the meaning of words and sentences. Linguists use linguistics to understand the meaning behind words and their combinations in pragmatics. This branch of philosophy studies how languages are used and how they affect the world. The study of meaning, interpretation, and communication, in addition to terminology, is referred to as pragmatics. It is a fascinating field that necessitates a high level of expertise. It is in charge of the development of modern languages and is critical to understanding our human mind because it reveals the structure and meaning of human language.
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Acts Of Service As A Love Language
Acts of service is the fourth love language, and this one will resonate if you believe with your heart of hearts that actions always speak louder than words.
These are some signs that acts of service may be your love language:
- Youre over the moon when a partner helps you with a chore without having to be asked.
- Youre the person who shows up for a friend having a bad day.
- Youre always ready to jump in and do things for the people you care about.
Acts of service arent about grand gestures, but rather thoughtful gestures that serve them, like pouring them a coffee in the morning, or running an errand for your busy friend or loved one.
Here are examples of ways you can use acts of service to love on others:
- Taking them to dinner without it being a special occasion or asked for.
- Drawing a partner a bubble bath without any sexpectations.
- Offering to babysit for a friend so they can enjoy a much-deserved break.
- Letting them choose which movie to watch, even if its Star Wars and you hate Star Wars.
- Picking up their favorite flowers/soap/wine/chocolate/whatever, just because.
Meaning Of Love Languages
The meaning of love languages is the way in which a person communicates love to someone else.
It is important for individuals to understand what their own and others love languages are because its the best way of showing affection without causing misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Love language can be verbal, nonverbal, or a combination of the two.
The other meaning of love languages is the way in which a person communicates love to someone else.
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Criticisms Of The Love Language Theory
Fast-forward to the present day, almost 30 years from the book’s publication. As popular as the concept is, many people have since pointed out problems with the love languages. Some people can use the love languages theory as a sort of personality test, despite the fact that Chapman’s whole point is that we’re supposed to adapt ourselves to our partner’s love language, not demand they use ours.
Indeed, recent research revealed couples being aligned with each other’s love language wavelength doesn’t exactly mean it makes a successful and happy relationship. Couples who shared the same love language weren’t happier than the couples who had differing styles, suggesting mastering fluency over the love language system and adapting it based on what the partner needs at the moment is more valuable than solely relying on a dominant love language type.
“It promotes codependency and prevents partners from developing autonomy and authenticity,” Motamedi adds. “A relationship is a place for transformation and growth. When we limit each other with a specific love language, we do not allow room for change.”
In general, it’s important not to use love languages as a universal salve to remedy issues. It’s clear we need more skill sets than those in our tool kit to face problems that may exist below the surface of our relationship.
Are You Ready To Find Out More About Your Love Language
Now that you know about The 5 Love Languages®, you should have a good idea of which one is your primary language. Lets see what yours has to say about you!
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Who Uses Love Language
Many people use the term love language specifically in reference to the five preferences proposed by Dr. Gary Chapman.
I think the reason acts of service is my love language, is because it demonstrates how that person can show what they can do to appreciate someone in real time, instead of saying things without follow-up actions. I enjoy making life easier for the people I love.
They Don’t Fix Other Relationship Problems
The five love languages won’t fix all of your relationship issues they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.
Research shows that couples who use each other’s love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. While the love languages were a tool, the couples’ accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.
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The Framework Of Love Languages Can Be Useful Precisely Because It Provides A Way For You To Self
For example, if you feel upset when your partner does not text you goodnight, that could be a sign your primary love language is words of affirmation or, if you struggle in long distance relationships, that might indicate your primary love language is quality time or physical touch, and the distance part of the relationship is resulting in your relationship wants and needs not being met.
Another way to discover your primary love language is to make a list of times you have felt loved and appreciated by your partner and notice any patterns that emerge. Only talking about what is lacking can make your partner feel their attempts at love are not being seen or appreciated, and that can feel frustrating. It may be that they just have a different love language from you, and theyre expressing love the way they like to be loved. As you and your partner are talking through this, be sure to tell them what you value about the ways they have expressed love to you, and what behaviors you would be excited to see more often. One of the most important realizations that can come from learning about the five love languages is the ability to more fully see all the ways your partner is showing their love to you, and to then have the opportunity to share what expressions of love are most meaningful to you.
The 5 Love Languages: Summary
Gary Chapmans basic premise is that there are five different ways people express love or feel loved by others.
In order to have a healthy relationship, we need to understand what makes our partner feel loved and learn how to communicate love in ways that it can be received.
Relationship problems are explained as partners speaking mismatched love languages, which causes love to get lost in translation.
Chapman identifies five specific love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. He believes that each of us has a primary love language and a secondary love language.
According to Chapman, if we dont understand our partners love language, we tend to communicate love in our own love language.
We communicate love in the way we want to receive it, instead of communicating love in the way our partner wants to receive it.
You can see how this can cause problems in relationships.
If, for example. your love language is physical touch and your partners love language is acts of service, expressing love through touch isnt going to be received as love by your partnerwho may be wondering why youre giving a back rub instead of taking out the trash.
Of course, this example of miscommunication is a bit oversimplified. Below, well explain each of the love languages in more detail and give some examples.
If youre curious what your love language is, you can take the Five Love Languages free quiz.
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Beyond The Five Love Languages
Now that we have a clear understanding of Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, lets talk about how theyve been received and how they have changed since 1992. Chapman himself will be the first to admit that his five love languages are just a framework. They are a place to start, not an all-encompassing, exclusive way to love those in your life. Hes adapted his original book for couples to books on the love languages for children, singles, teenagers, men, and even one specifically for military service members. Hes created podcasts, radio shows, and conferences on the topic. Counselors, relationship experts, and even employers all over the world have turned to Chapmans concept as a guide for understanding how humans connect with one another.
Love Language #: Physical Touch
Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.
I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub literally. Theyd do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, theyre experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.
While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone whos overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.
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So Whats Your Love Language
For couples, love language tests hold out the promise of a truly fulfilling relationship. Many people rank the quality of their relationship as a top priority, an essential part of what makes life meaningful.
Because the ability to express love nurtures a strong connection, and because we arent often given good examples or tools for effective communication , it makes sense theres a desperate desire to learn how to communicate love more effectively.
Once you escape the confines of The 5 Love Languages, you can begin the adventure of discovering the unique love language of your relationship.
One of the most amazing things about a long-term relationship is how it enriches your communication in ways that are unique to the shared world of your daily life and your history together.
Long-term couples who know each other well often develop a shared vocabulary of particular words, phrases, glances, and ways of touching each other that have meaning only they can understand fully.
For example, the most meaningful gift Daniel has ever given me is a playlist he made for my birthday the first year we were dating. I realized as I was writing this article that my birthday playlist is a perfect example of how people communicate love in deeply meaningful ways that dont fit into The 5 Love Languages framework.