Physical Touch Vs Sex
Having physical touch as your love language does not necessarily mean you’re all about sex.
“When you hear that someone’s love language is physical touch, it can be easy to assume that this means sexual touching, but that is not necessarily the case,” psychotherapist Rhonda Richards-Smith, LCSW, tells mbg. “If you find your partner’s touch to be soothing, relaxing, and gives you that extra boost that you need, chances are physical touch is one of your love languages.”
Likewise, if you’re someone who loves sex and wants a lot of it, that does not necessarily mean your love language is physical touch.
“Physical touch can include sex, but it does not have to,” Jackson says. “If you want more sex, just say it! If you want other things and not just sex, say that too!”
How Do I Know If Acts Of Service Is My Love Language
If you feel most loved and cared for when your S.O. takes on a task so you have one less thing on your plate, then thereâs a good chance that acts of service is your love language.
Another way to figure out your love language is by paying attention to how you show love to others. You can actually suss out someoneâs love language by looking at what they do for you, explains Seip. If you notice that your partner often picks up the trash or refills your water glass when they see itâs empty, that could be their way of showing you that they feel most cared for when people do little things like that for them, and they would like you to reciprocate those small, but meaningful, actions.
Another way to tell if acts of service is your love language is by thinking back to how your parents showed you love as a child. Often, your love language translates to what your major attachment figures did for you, says Seip. For example, if your parents would always have your favorite breakfast ready for you in the morning or would fold your laundry for you so you didnât have to, you might have learned to show love through acts of service, which, in turn, became your love language.
The Different Love Languages
In 1995, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled, The Five Love Languages. Since then, the book has become more and more popular.
Dr. Chapman believes that all five love languages should be incorporated into your relationship. However, to get the most out of your relationship, its important to focus on knowing what both you and your mates favorite action is to get the best reaction.
Lets learn about the five love languages.
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Why Are Love Languages Important To Know
The more aware you are of how you love people in your life and how you actually take in love, the easier it is to get and give love.
Think of it this way: If you were looking for a pair of jeans and wanted to find them without knowing anything about what you were looking for ex: straight leg, flare, dark wash, light wash, distressed wouldn’t it be hard to find that pair of jeans? You’d be trying on jeans forever, and would probably become frustrated in the process.
What if, instead, you knew that the best jeans for you are high-waisted, a tight fit, and a certain brand. Wouldn’t it make it 100 times easier to find a pair of jeans that not only fit right but feel right, too?
It’s the same with love.
When you know how you work, what you want, and what you need to give to your partners and loved ones, it makes it 100 times easier to do. The Love Languages system is a road map to satisfaction and who wouldn’t want to get their hands on that roadmap?
Its Never Too Late To Start Loving Better
Dating, married, single, or simply looking for better ways to connect with others? Theres a book for you!
They love each other, right? Then why do they always feel like they’re not on the same page?
The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care.
In his early years as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman noticed that over and over, couples voiced similar complaints regarding their marriage.
One spouse would say something like, “I feel like he doesn’t love me.”
And the other would protest, “I don’t know what else to do. I’m doing everything I should be doing.”
Recognizing this pattern and remembering the rocky start in his own marriage, Dr. Chapman pored three years of session notes.
He asked himself, “When someone’s saying, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what did they want?”
Surprisingly, their answers fell into five different categories, revealing a unique approach for how to effectively love another person.
The premise is simple: Different people, with different personalities, give and receive love in different ways. Dr. Chapman called these ways of expressing and receiving love “The 5 Love Languages®.” He even wrote a best-selling book about it.
This revolutionary concept has improved millions of relationships across the globe.
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Love Language #: Quality Time
The person who lists words of affirmation as their primary love language wants your undivided, no-distractions, total attention. It’s not about what you do during your time together, but rather it’s about whether or not it’s quality time.
For example, watching TV together. For it to be quality time, they need to be cuddling, connected, and seen while watching the show. Sitting there looking aimlessly at the TV while simultaneously scrolling Instagram will have this person feeling unloved and unappreciated. The person whose primary love language is quality time really values their time with you.
What If You Dont Have The Same Love Language Is The Relationship Doomed
No, not necessarily. But you both will need to put in the work to make the relationship last by first telling each other your love languages, your expectations, and wants. This can save you plenty of arguments, trust me.
But that said, you will also need to understand their love language. Because despite you wanting acts of service, their love language might be constant physical touch or spending quality time with you, and you should try to give love to them that wayeven if it’s not as important to you.
So yes, people with different love languages can make it work as much as people with the same ones. A relationship, no matter the love language, is about taking care of the other person and helping them grow. Learning each other’s love languages is a great way to start.
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Learning A New Language
Once we learn the main love language of our partners, lovers, friends, or children, we may be faced with resistance to speaking it for any number of reasons rooted in childhood traumas, buried resentments, or simple aversion. Chapman counsels patience and a step-by-step approach:
- Start with a simple and limited list of tasks you can do or help with.
- Make the most basic kind of card to give maybe just a folded piece of paper with a heart on it and a simple declaration of love.
- Spend five minutes of quality time together and work up from there.
- Hold your partners hand on your evening walk.
- Sweep the kitchen floor.
Love is a decision, not a feeling, says Chapman. Making that decision daily, come what may, and supporting it imperfectly but sincerely, will help your relationships flourish.
To learn more about the love languages and to take a quiz to determine your own dominant mode of emotional expression, visit www.5lovelanguages.com.
Start And End Your Day Together
Chapman suggests starting your day off with something that allows you to chat and connect, like enjoying a cup of coffee before work. Likewise, find a meaningful way to come back together at the end of the day. “After work, set aside 10 minutes to catch upno phones allowed,” Chapman recommends. This will help you both unwind after the workday and talk about your day.
Of course, not all schedules will allow this, but planning for those times during the day when you can just be together and connect is important if your partner’s love language is quality time.
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What Are The Love Languages
According to Chapman and the Love Languages system, there are five different ways that people experience love:
Of course, all of these types of love are felt by everyone. That said, everyone has a primary way of receiving love and expressing it to others something that feels the most instinctual and rewarding, according to Chapman. This is called your “primary love language.” You can also pinpoint your secondary love language, the one that resonates with you most after your first choice.
But it gets even more interesting: The primary way you receive love may not be the same as the primary way you express it. For example, you may love to give other people thoughtful gifts, but when gifts are given to you, it might not make a big impression.
And, yes, your preferred love language can change over time, within a relationship, with changing life situations, and from relationship to relationship it’s fluid, just like sexuality. For instance, you may value physical touch more with a romantic partner than you do with your family you may value acts of service from your partner more after becoming a parent than you did prior or you may need to adapt your love languages when in a long-distance relationship.
How To Identify Your Love Language
In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:
- Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
- Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
- Plans a trip for just the two of you?
- Runs the errands or does the laundry?
- Holds your hand while you’re walking?
Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner. Chapman also offers an online 30-question quiz to help you determine your dominant love language.
Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language , they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.
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True Healing Comes When You Learn To:
Express regret: Im sorry.
Accept responsibility: I was wrong.
Make restitution: How can I make it right?
Plan for change: Ill take steps to prevent a reoccurrence.
Request forgiveness: Can you find it in your heart to . . . ?
Dont let hurts linger or wounds fester. Start on the path to healing today and discover how meaningful apologies can make your friendships, family, and marriage stronger than ever before.
Avoid Distractions When You’re Together
People whose love language is quality time don’t want any distractions to interrupt their time together.
“Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there makes you feel truly special and loved,” Chapman explains. “Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.”
Make it a rule of thumb to not multitask when you’re speaking with them, as this can be very bothersome.
Understanding The Five Love Languages
There are five basic love languages five ways to express love emotionally. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.
After 30 years as a marriage counselor, I am convinced that there are five basic love languages five ways to express love emotionally. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.
Beyond The Five Love Languages
Now that we have a clear understanding of Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, lets talk about how theyve been received and how they have changed since 1992. Chapman himself will be the first to admit that his five love languages are just a framework. They are a place to start, not an all-encompassing, exclusive way to love those in your life. Hes adapted his original book for couples to books on the love languages for children, singles, teenagers, men, and even one specifically for military service members. Hes created podcasts, radio shows, and conferences on the topic. Counselors, relationship experts, and even employers all over the world have turned to Chapmans concept as a guide for understanding how humans connect with one another.
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What Are The Five Love Languages
Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other’s needs.
That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:
Reception Of Five Love Languages
As with most concepts that are so widely known and adapted over generations and cultures, Chapmans original five love languages have received a bit of criticism. Some say that the concept of love languages promotes co-dependency and prevents partners from developing autonomy and authenticity. Others are a bit harsher, claiming that the five love languages focus too heavily on heteronormative Christian couples and are exclusive of modern couples, like LGBTQIA+, interracial, or straight couples who do not practice traditional gender roles.
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Why Some People Need Words Of Affirmation
For people who gravitate toward words of affirmation, they find fulfillment through positive reinforcement via compliments or praise that shines light on something they did or who they are as a person.
To some, words may not seem that meaningful, but to people whose love language is words of affirmation, underneath each word is an ocean of meaning and significance that is working to either strengthen or weaken the relationship’s bonds.
“Appreciation is at the heart of having words of affirmation as a love language. It recognizes quality over quantity and substance over appearance. It promotes empathy and compassion, increases intimacy, and helps to keep us calm and content,” DeMarco explains.
She adds, “It comes down to inclinationa person’s natural way to act or feel. Some people need to hear or read love’s meaning, while others prefer to show not tell. The importance here is less in the why and more in the thatespecially that one knows their own inclination, as well as their partner’s.”
Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should work to learn their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
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If Acts Of Service Is Your Love Language:
Dr. Sims explains that you should communicate that to your partner. “A lot of people just engage in their acts of service to show their partner what it means, but that doesn’t work if your partner has a different love language. It’s more beneficial to just tell them and teach them the ways that you want to be cared for.
However, one thing that could create issues in the relationship is doing something you think is an act of service when the other person doesnt see it as helpful, says Kingma. Because depending on what it is, “this may be perceived as crossing a boundary or overstepping, she explained.
To make sure that you are able to truly express love effectively with acts of service, remember to check in with your partner to make sure the action you are taking will be a true help to them, and that they are willing to allow you to help in this way, Kingma adds. This means you should probs ask your partner if they’re comfortable with you, say, doing their laundry.
“If your partner does not want help with something, be mindful that this is not a rejection, and that there are likely many other ways your partner would feel comfortable with you helping and showing love.
Helps Your Partner How To Show You Love
If you know what your love language is, you can communicate this to your partner, so they know how to show you love more effectively. Perhaps their love language is words of affirmation, so they always showed you love in that way, but your love language might be acts of service, you never felt their love when they thought they were expressing that. Once you identify your love language, your partner can show love better than ever before.
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