The Five Love Languages
|The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate|
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1992 book by Gary Chapman. It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls “love languages”. They are acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.
Grow Beyond This Starting Place:
Chapman’s 30-year-old system is not the be-all, end-all when it comes to relationship. Amias cautions against relying on the love languages to entirely guide your relationship, “It can become too transactional,” Amias says. For example, you shouldn’t be thinking “If my love language is quality time and your love language is acts of service, if you spent 30 minutes talking to me then I will rake the leaves.”
Exchanges like this shift the focus away from what should be at the core of the relationship: Presence and connection. Instead of becoming myopically focused on speaking your partner’s love language , think of the love languages as a starting point for tending to your relationship with a sense of generosity and goodwill.
It Cant Be That Simple
This may seem overly simplistic and somewhat unrealistic but even a cursory glance at relationship problems and one will find it not so far fetched.
For example, what does your significant other complain about? They may complain that you never say you love them. Sure, you might be thinking do not my actions demonstrate that I do?
However, their love language may be words of affirmation, so unconsciously they are interpreting your behavior as unloving. Of course, this can be subverted by both parties educating themselves and growing in awareness.
Nevertheless, its a very real issue in otherwise superbly healthy relationships.
Therefore, examine the complaints of your partner.
It may be indicative of their love tank on empty namely, that you are unintentionally speaking a language they fail to understand, thus they cannot receive what you are attempting to transmit. This can easily be reversed, meaning you can examine your complaints the same holds true.
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How To Determine Your Love Language
Chapman offers a quiz on his website, in addition to measures provided in his book. You can look at the profiles of each love language to see which one most resonates.
Chapman also suggests asking yourself the following questions:
- What are things your partner does or doesn’t do that deeply hurt you?
- What have you asked your partner to do more/most often?
- How do you typically express love to your partner?
- What would you look for in an ideal partner?
Chapter 8 Bodily Touch Has Been A Strong Manner To Express Your Love
Are you aware that children who are kissed, cuddled, and held grow to live better emotional health than the children who are not? It is correct, and it shouldnt be surprising that bodily touch has been some individuals main tongue of love.
When it is your spouses primary tongue, you could transmit your love with physical touches such as kissing, hugging, holding hands, and sex. It is simple to add those kinds of gestures into days by having your spouses hand at the times you are around a church or when going to the cinema. Also, you attempt kissing and hugging your spouse when another person is there its certain to let them sense more appreciated.
For example, Jocelyn Green married a soldierly man. Though her spouse and she usually cannot touch each other bodily, she has looked for means for sensing linked to him at times he is out of the country. Maybe your spouse and you have days away from each other, attempting to look for a means to sense together. Putting on a shirt of your spouse while on Skype, or mailing a photograph, may do wonders.
Also, it is significant to study carefully on knowing which subtler kinds of bodily touch may fill the tank of love of your spouse. Use different pressures of contact. Try! And definitely, when we talk of touching the things that are appropriate and not can be decided by just your spouse and you. Having that explained, bodily abuse is usually not appropriate and needs to be started straight away.
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Limitations Of The 5 Love Languages Model
There are important limitations to the love languages model that need to be considered, including:
- Chapman’s theory is directed toward heterosexual spouses. The nature and language is heteronormative, and gender stereotypes are sometimes used. Relationships with more than two partners are also not considered.
- Love languages may not be enough to address relationship problems. More counseling may be needed, potentially using the love languages as a tool.
- The model may be too simplistic and broad, lacking nuance and not adequately addressing things like trauma, attachment style, or other major influences.
- It has the potential to be misused, such as a person demanding their partner engage in behaviors or activities they are not comfortable with in order to “prove their love,” or making the other person feel guilty for not doing so.
- The love languages are based on American norms that don’t always translate to other cultures. For example, in some cultures, gift giving can be viewed as “buying affection,” and public displays of affection are taboo in some cultures.
Love Language : Words Of Affirmation
Words of Affirmation are words or phrases you say to your partner to make them feel good about who they are and what they do. These words can be compliments, words of encouragement, remarks that express kindness, or those that signify your faith in them. This is how to express love if your partner appreciates verbal appreciation.
- For the person whose love language is Words of Affirmation, a compliment about their appearance or what they do for the family will fill their tank.
- Telling your partner you appreciate them in your life will make them feel loved.
- Supporting their hopes and dreams by saying, I believe in you or Youre so talented, you can do whatever you want, will bolster them and give them courage.
- Asking for their help in a way that stresses their skills or the benefit it would bring to your life can make them feel trusted and appreciated.
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Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should work to learn their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
Feelings Arent Easily Communicated: Translating Love Languages
So what is language?
Merriam-Webster gives us a simple and workable definition:
a systematic means of communicating ideas or feelings by the use of conventionalized signs, sounds, gestures, or marks having understood meanings
The main drive of this article is highlighting precisely what we take for granted. That is, the assumption that feelings are communicated in conventional ways.
Perhaps this overarching assumption is what lands us in a world of interpersonal trouble. Maybe the gestures or marks associated with the so-called conventional ways have innumerable meanings leading to miscommunication and misunderstanding two qualities essential to an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship.
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Love Is A Universal Human Need
On a scale of 0â10, how full is your love tank? What made you think of that number?
Having a full love tank, helps us to feel intimately connected, and safe enough to discuss differences and resolve conflicts. A full love tank also requires us to connect more deeply with our real needs, and those of our partner. And the problem is, many of us have unrealistic expectations of love, because of how it has been mythologized. Falling in love, and being truly loved, are two very different concepts.
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Keeping The Love Tank Full
How we act in a relationship has all to do with how we feel about the relationship. If your spouse feels safe and loved, she is more likely to give back.
The love tank is a metaphor for how secure you feel in a relationship.
Your love tank fills up when your partner nurtures your emotional needs. In contrast, your love tank starts to empty when your partner neglects your emotional needs.
When your spouses emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potential in life.
However, how you fill your spouses love tank depends on the language of love she speaks.
Giving presents is one of the ways you can show love. But if your partner only cares about sharing quality time, no gift can substitute your presence.
Running a relationship on an empty love tank is a problem waiting to unfold.
Often, relationship problems like misbehaviors, withdrawals, harsh words, and critical spirit are just a symptom of an empty love tank.
The Five Love Languages In Three Sentences
The Five Love Languages talks about the five different ways people communicate and interpret love. By knowing the specific love language of your spouse, you will have a richer and more intimate relationship. This book will give you practical and relevant wisdom in handling marital conflicts and promoting love in your marriage.
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Practice Each Love Language:
While it’s important to know your love language, equally important is knowing your partner’s. “The way most of us express love is our own love language, which leads to relationship problems. When you understand your partner’s love language, your expressions of love don’t get lost in translation,” Amias says.
Below, find tips for making your love known to someone with a different primary love language than yours.
What Are The Five Love Languages Summary Of Dr Gary Chapmans Book
Not many authors can claim to have forever changed their industry with one of their books. That is exactly what Dr. Gary Chapman did with The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
Dr. Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how each other and themselves both give and receive love. It is possible for couples to truly love each other, but to truly feel unloved because they dont think the same about giving and receiving love.
Everybody generally has their own primary love languages for receiving love and giving love. It may be the same for giving/receiving, and it may be different. If a husband does not meet the primary love language of his wife, she might not sense his true feelings and start to be unsatisfied with their relationship.
Understanding your spouses love language and acting accordingly will fill their Love Tank. The Love Tank analogy is a great metaphor for describing how loved someone feels. Like a gas tank in a car, our lives run best when our Love Tank is filled and constantly being topped off. The alternative is running on fumes and burning out.
Meeting peoples primary love language consistently will fill up their love tank and help them feel loved like they need. But if a spouse fails to meet this primary love language, it might leave their Love Tank empty, which leads to feelings of being unloved and issues in relationships.
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Shortform Exercise: Kindness Begets Kindness
You know how it feels to receive a compliment or receive kindness from your partner. If you know your partner speaks the language of Words of Affirmation, imagine what it would feel like to them if you reversed the direction of those words.
What is one thing you would love for your partner to say to you?
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Love Language : Quality Time
Quality Time is time dedicated solely for the purpose of being with your partner without distractions. A person with this love language wants to simply be with their loved one.
The activity is secondary to the actual act of being together. Time may mean actively engaging in meaningful conversation, participating in an activity that they like, even if you dont, or having dinner together without watching TV or using electronic devices. This is how to express love if your partner feels most loved just being with you.
- An evening walk together, whether talking or not, can make your partner feel loved.
- Taking a cooking class or biking together can express a willingness to be with your partner, which translates into a full tank.
- Listening to your partner talk about their day and asking questions to understand how they feel will let them know you care and are willing to be there for them.
- Talking about your past or fears with your partner will tell them you want them to be part of your life completely.
Love Language #: Words Of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are words that build someone up. If this is your primary love language, it means the world to you when you receive unsolicited compliments, hear the words I love you and the reasons behind that love. Insults can break your heart and leave lasting scars.
In our full version of The 5 Love Languages summary , well explain how you can express Love Language #1 through verbal compliments and encouraging words.
Love Language : Receiving Gifts
Receiving Gifts represents the act of giving a gift as a symbol of love. A gift equates to thought, and to a person with this love language, that thought is felt as love.
For people who speak this of the five love languages, the type of gift is less important than the effort to procure it and the desire to give it. This is how to express love if your partner enjoys getting presents.
- A small present brought back from a business trip makes your partner feel special because you were thinking of them.
- A diamond bracelet will elicit the same response as a crocheted scarf. The feeling will still be of being loved enough to receive something from you.
- Sometimes, your mere presence is the gift your partner needs.
- If they are in crisis, being there as a shoulder, sounding board, or comforting presence is enough to represent your love for them.
- Prioritizing a request for your presence over work or previous plans shows them how much their feelings matter.
Express Love Using The 5 Love Languages
If you want to know how to express love, you need to know what type of love language your partner speaks.
The Five Love Languages are the way you experience and show love. There are 5 love languages: Word of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Learning to speak your partners love language can help you understand how to express love. And learning your own love language helps you understand what makes you fulfilled in a relationship.
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Many People Misuse The Languages
Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, partners might start keeping track of all the times they use their partner’s love language and compare it to how many times their partner used theirs.
Love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, but you shouldn’t use them as games or weapons against your partner. Some people continue to use their own language to show they careâand that’s OK.
You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partnerâs actions even if they donât match your own language perfectly.
Love Language #: Acts Of Service
If this is your primary love language, you feel loved when your spouse says let me do that for you, and helps to ease your burdens or share your responsibilities e.g. cooking a meal, washing the car. Broken commitments, unwillingness to help, laziness/ sloppiness, or taking your spouse for granted, all send the message that your spouse doesnt matter.
Even if you and your spouse share the same primary love language of Acts of Service, you make speak different dialects or value different types of support being rendered (e.g. she may prefer that you wash the dishes while you may prefer that she irons your clothes. Try asking your spouse to list down the tasks that he/she considers most important, and do them.
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