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Finding Out Your Love Language
The first step in using the love languages effectively is to find out which one is your favourite. Whenever I explain the love languages to people, I often hear well, I like all those things!
And that is true, most humans will enjoy all of those things but every one of us has a favourite one or two. An easy way to start narrowing this down is by choosing which one of these things you would be fine with receiving only once a month.
I know that if my boyfriend never got me a gift of any kind for a month I would be ok with it. But if he didnt want to touch me for a whole month, that would be awful!
So use that technique to take away one or two of the love languages. Then just think about what acts of love you prefer. So, would you rather your boyfriend clean the house or go for a walk with you? Would you rather him cuddle with you on the couch or give you some flowers?
Once you nail down your love language, you will be better at communicating what you need more of in the relationship. Youll also be better at prioritizing how you spend your time with your partner.
This is an amazing tool to use in a long-term relationship because often things get boring or routine and you can start feeling a disconnect. Knowing your love language will allow you to ask for the thing you need most so that you feel connected. If your love language is quality time, you can do this by asking to go for a walk.
Love Language : Quality Time
Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner gives you their undivided attention and you engage in meaningful conversation or activities?
Examples: You and your partner have a date night, go on a trip together, or have a deep conversation?
If these things make you feel the most loved and happy, quality time may be your primary love language.
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Life can be pretty stressful. Between work, relationships, and other obligations, the pressure builds, and we lose sight of who we are. Counselor Debra Fileta helps you better understand your emotions, assess your mental, physical, and spiritual health, and intentionally pursue a path to wellbeing. In dealing with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, Debra understands the importance of self-examination as well as the benefits of seeking professional help. She offers biblically-based advice, tools, and encouragement to help you get on a path toward healing and wholeness.
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Different Love Languages And Disconnection
When two people have the same love language, it can be easier for them to show and receive love. But this doesnt mean you have to have the same one in order to have a successful relationship.
In his book, Gary Chapman discusses a wife and a husband. The husband mentions that his wife never does anything for him. He feels disconnected from her because he is always doing nice things for her but she never returns the favor.
The wife in the situation thinks that the husband doesnt love her because he never wants to spend any time with her. Hes always busy doing stuff and never has time to just sit down and talk.
You can see here that the wifes love language is quality time and the husbands language is acts of service. This couple could be on the path to divorce just because their love languages arent lining up!
If you dont have the same love language as your partner, you can still make things work but its going to take a little more effort. Make sure you communicate love in your language and in his.
I hope that the 5 love languages explained in this article can be incorporated into your romantic relationships. Using these love languages and understanding them fully is a great way to break up proof your long-term relationship or marriage!
HOW TO ATTRACT HIGH-QUALITY MEN
I hope you found this article helpful but it does you know good if youre not attracting High-Quality Men.
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What Is A Love Language Exactly
Do you have a friend who says theyd take a clean kitchen over flowers any day when youd prefer a little romance? That right there is a basic example of different love languages.
We all express and receive love differently and those differences could be the reason why feelings and good intentions sometimes get lost in translation.
For example, you spend weeks trying to find a partner the most amazing gift ever, but come their birthday they respond with I wouldve been happy just ordering in and then snuggling up on the couch together.
Its not necessarily that theyre ungrateful or that you messed up. They just communicate their love differently or have a different love language.
Recognizing how you and a partner like to receive and express love could lead to more thoughtful connections and a healthy relationship not to mention less explosive birthdays and Valentines.
There are five love languages as first introduced in 1992 by marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The 5 Love Languages.
The five love languages are:
The first love language is words of affirmation, and its all about expressing affection and appreciation through words, be it spoken, written, in texts, or all of the above.
This may be one of your love languages if you thrive on:
- being told that youre appreciated
- hearing I love you often
- receiving words of encouragement
Here are some examples of words of affirmation you can use in romantic or platonic relationships:
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Quality Time As A Love Language
Quality time is the second love language and its precisely what you think: appreciating spending quality time together.
A person whose love language is quality time may feel most loved and appreciated when people they care about make time to be together and give their undivided attention.
Quality time may be one of your love languages if:
- You feel disconnected when you dont spend enough time with a partner.
- Not spending enough time with your partner affects your libido.
- You work hard at making time to spend with others.
Quality time looks different to everyone. Some people value a few minutes of dedicated time to just sit and relax together at the end of the day. For others, quality time means setting aside time to enjoy activities together.
No matter what youre doing, quality time requires being completely present and free of distractions.
Here are some examples of expressing your love through quality time:
- Cuddling together in bed for a few minutes every morning before getting up.
- Making a point of having a date night every week.
- Scheduling time to hang with your BFF, no matter how busy you both are.
- Turning off your phone when youre having a conversation or doing something together.
- Creating a ritual, like meeting for lunch once a week or taking a walk after dinner.
Who Uses Love Language
Many people use the term love language specifically in reference to the five preferences proposed by Dr. Gary Chapman.
I think the reason acts of service is my love language, is because it demonstrates how that person can show what they can do to appreciate someone in real time, instead of saying things without follow-up actions. I enjoy making life easier for the people I love.
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So Whats Your Love Language
For couples, love language tests hold out the promise of a truly fulfilling relationship. Many people rank the quality of their relationship as a top priority, an essential part of what makes life meaningful.
Because the ability to express love nurtures a strong connection, and because we arent often given good examples or tools for effective communication , it makes sense theres a desperate desire to learn how to communicate love more effectively.
Once you escape the confines of The 5 Love Languages, you can begin the adventure of discovering the unique love language of your relationship.
One of the most amazing things about a long-term relationship is how it enriches your communication in ways that are unique to the shared world of your daily life and your history together.
Long-term couples who know each other well often develop a shared vocabulary of particular words, phrases, glances, and ways of touching each other that have meaning only they can understand fully.
For example, the most meaningful gift Daniel has ever given me is a playlist he made for my birthday the first year we were dating. I realized as I was writing this article that my birthday playlist is a perfect example of how people communicate love in deeply meaningful ways that dont fit into The 5 Love Languages framework.
The 5 Love Languages: Summary
Gary Chapmans basic premise is that there are five different ways people express love or feel loved by others.
In order to have a healthy relationship, we need to understand what makes our partner feel loved and learn how to communicate love in ways that it can be received.
Relationship problems are explained as partners speaking mismatched love languages, which causes love to get lost in translation.
Chapman identifies five specific love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. He believes that each of us has a primary love language and a secondary love language.
According to Chapman, if we dont understand our partners love language, we tend to communicate love in our own love language.
We communicate love in the way we want to receive it, instead of communicating love in the way our partner wants to receive it.
You can see how this can cause problems in relationships.
If, for example. your love language is physical touch and your partners love language is acts of service, expressing love through touch isnt going to be received as love by your partnerwho may be wondering why youre giving a back rub instead of taking out the trash.
Of course, this example of miscommunication is a bit oversimplified. Below, well explain each of the love languages in more detail and give some examples.
If youre curious what your love language is, you can take the Five Love Languages free quiz.
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How To Figure Out What Your Love Language Is
Now that you know what each of the five love languages entail, it’s time to figure out what yours is. Odds are most, if not all, of the languages contain something that resonates with you, but when it comes to selecting just one, focus on which aspects you find most important.
It centers around thinking about what you have appreciated the most when your current or past partners tried to do something nice for you, says Ho. What made you feel the most loved, and which behaviors did not mean that much to you? She emphasizes that knowing what your love language doesn’t consist of is just as important. So if it’s easier to weed out the gestures you weren’t so into, figuring out your love language that way is fine too.
Northfield Publishing The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Northfield Publishing The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Another way to hone in on your love language is by going over your principles. Values are the ideals that we want to stand by in our lives and what we want to represent to others, continues Ho. If you value community, you may care more about acts of service that deepen and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. If you value integrity, you may be a person who cares more about words of affirmation because a person’s word is like gold to you.
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The Truity Love Languages Quiz
I took the quiz on Truitys site. I am in a relationship, and I found that the questions were a bit difficult to answer without taking what I know about my partner into consideration. Things like, If your partner had a bad day, rank these 4 things in order of what you would do when they came home.
Having been in a relationship for a significant chunk of my life now, it was nearly impossible for me to answer how I would respond to this situation, versus how I know my partner would like for me to respond. For example, I know my partner isnt the lets talk about it kind of person. Hes an Enneagram 5, also a test Truity offers. He would much prefer to decompress alone and then spend quality time together once hes had time to sort through his thoughts. Me? Im the lets talk about it all right now! kind of person. So, the answers were difficult to sort because, had I not known that about my partner, I may have selected what I thought was best, my way of dealing with things. I feel like this may have skewed the results a bit.
Understanding The Five Love Languages
There are five basic love languages five ways to express love emotionally. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.
After 30 years as a marriage counselor, I am convinced that there are five basic love languages five ways to express love emotionally. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.
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How Love Languages Apply To Kids
Chapmans five love languages are universal: physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and words of affirmation.
These languages are the same for children, teens, and adults, though they will manifest in different ways.
For example, as an adult with the love language of acts of service, you might love when a partner puts gas in your car, while a child would appreciate extra help with homework or a parent making their bed for them.
As parents, our top priority is to love our children well.
We start doing this by first knowing, and then understanding our childs love language.
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Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should work to learn their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
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