The Two New Love Languages
As for emotional and intellectual, these are a bit more inclusive of modern relationships. Thirty years ago, we werent as aware of toxic masculinity as we are now. So, men were not as free to display their emotions as they are now. Perhaps, more men will find that emotional will be their love language in todays culture. Along the same lines, the past two years have opened countless conversations between couples that they certainly wouldnt have had ten or twenty years ago. Perhaps, one may realize that intellectual is their preferred love language.
Receiving Gifts As A Love Language
Receiving gifts is the final love language. It needs to be said that this love language is not reserved for the greedy or so-called gold diggers.
For someone whose love language is gifts, it goes way beyond just wanting stuff. For this person, its all about the meaning behind the gift and the thought that went into it. No diamonds or luxury cars are required.
Signs that receiving gifts is your love language:
- When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift.
- You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small.
- Youre hurt when someone you love doesnt commemorate an event with a thoughtful token.
Showing love through gifts isnt about extravagance. A small memento will be just as appreciated because big or small, a gift is a tangible reminder that they were thought of and are loved.
Here are some ways to show love to someone whose love language is receiving gifts:
- Picking up their favorite pastry or candy on your way home.
- Surprising them with flowers whether store-bought or picked from the side of the road.
- Giving them a thoughtful greeting card just because.
- Bringing your BFF a keepsake from your early friendship, like a picture from your first road trip.
- Choosing gifts that are personal to your relationship.
What’s My Love Language
My husband and I have been married for many years, and I think overall we have a pretty good relationship. It’s not perfect, though. Little things can push our buttons. For instance, I get annoyed when he lets the trash cans overflow, and he gets irritated with the sloppy way I load the dishwasher. Often we get so preoccupied with work and parenting that intimacy and romance are thrown on the back burner.
Although I’m generally skeptical about any technique that purports to fix my marriage, I figured there’s always room for improvement.
So my husband and I set about learning each other’s love languages.
According to Chapman, discovering your partner’s love language requires some careful thought and observation. You need to ask, “What’s most important to me?” and “What does my spouse seem to request most often in the relationship?”
“How do they respond to other people and how do they respond to you? If they always give you words of affirmation, that’s probably their love language,” he says.
You also need to listen carefully to your partner’s criticisms. “We often get defensive,” Chapman says, “but they’re really giving us valuable information. If they’re complaining about something, that very likely is their love language.” In other words, if your partner is always commenting that you never do the cooking, they’re probably an “acts of service” person.
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Words Are Everything Both Good And Bad
“Words matter that means the good ones, as well as the hurtful ones,” DeMarco says. “People are sensitive to what’s being said, not just how it comes out. Meaning is everything, so choose your words carefully and mindfully in the moment. Slow down. Think before you speak. Choose your words wisely.”
If you must say something negative, try couching your constructive comments in between compliments so they are able to hear it without being defensive.
Giving Up Sugar Tasting God’s Goodness
As a latchkey kid, Wendy Speake turned to sugar for comfort. Every Friday, she would pedal to the candy show and use her allowance to fill her bag with candy. And one day, when she was older and a mom of three young boys, she came to realize that she was still pedaling away from her stress and using sugar as comfort, instead of turning to Jesus. She was joyless, worn out, tired, and in need of a change. In this interview, Wendy will challenge Christians to take 40 days to focus on fasting from something they turn to instead of Jesus for comfort. She invited people to break free from a dependence on sugar and taste the goodness of God.
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What Is Your Love Language
Thirty years ago, a book titled The 5 Love Languages introduced its titular concept to society and since then, its become part of the cultural lexicon. Not familiar? The idea is that everyone has a preferred way of expressing and receiving love, and it falls into one of five categories or languages: gift giving and receiving, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time. If you learn to understand your partners love language, you will strengthen your communication and ultimately your relationship.
Read on for the scoop on this concept, including how to find yours and put it into practice.
The Five Love Languages
Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other’s needs.
That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:
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Practice Each Love Language:
While it’s important to know your love language, equally important is knowing your partner’s. “The way most of us express love is our own love language, which leads to relationship problems. When you understand your partner’s love language, your expressions of love don’t get lost in translation,” Amias says.
Below, find tips for making your love known to someone with a different primary love language than yours.
Is It Important To Know And Respond To Your Partners Love Language
Gandhi agreed that its important to respond to a partners preferred love language but also to recognize there isnt just one playbook. One day, your partner might need quality time from you. But on their birthday, for instance, they might want a gift. They may need physical affection on another day.
And along with the five love languages, other needs may arise in relationships, including good listening skills or knowing when to provide your partner some space, either physically or emotionally.
Instead of following a love language playbook, Berman said, partners need to be curious about how to satisfy one another. Vulnerability is a necessity, so focus on learning what barriers you may have erected to prevent you from being seen or heard.
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Are The Five Love Languages Even Biblical
Can you even find The 5 Love Languages in the Bible? This question came up during one of my coaching events in my Facebook group. I had been promoting the event for a few weeks already when the question came up. Ill admit it stumped me for a hot minute. But it also intrigued me.
Im a firm believer in teaching primarily from the Bible. Ive used other tools and resources in addition to the Bible but at any point, I find whats in front of my contradicting the Bible, then weve got a problem. Did the 5 Love Languages contradict what God teaches through the Bible? Prior to that conversation, I hadnt really checked. Afterward, I was eager to find out.
Dont Raise Your Voice
Imagine what would happen if every time you did something wrong someone jumped down your throat about it, how would that make you feel?
The same goes for your spouse or friend if youre constantly pointing out what theyre doing wrong it will make them feel bitter towards you.
Be considerate of their feelings and try to communicate that you want the best for them, sometimes this means holding yourself back from saying something until youve calmed down!
Loving someone isnt always easy but hopefully, these simple steps and tips can help you express your love to the ones you care about.
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Use Feedback To Improve
They say making mistakes is the best way to learn a language. Since youre trying to speak your partners Love Language® that might not align with your personality or background, its natural for you to make mistakes and sometimes feel stuck.
So, keep your expectations in check. Dont expect yourself or your partner to speak each others language right away. Ask them how youre doing, what needs to change, and ask for the help you need from them.
Appreciate each others efforts and use feedback to improve your performance.
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How To Figure Out What Your Love Language Is
Now that you know what each of the five love languages entail, it’s time to figure out what yours is. Odds are most, if not all, of the languages contain something that resonates with you, but when it comes to selecting just one, focus on which aspects you find most important.
It centers around thinking about what you have appreciated the most when your current or past partners tried to do something nice for you, says Ho. What made you feel the most loved, and which behaviors did not mean that much to you? She emphasizes that knowing what your love language doesn’t consist of is just as important. So if it’s easier to weed out the gestures you weren’t so into, figuring out your love language that way is fine too.
Northfield Publishing The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Northfield Publishing The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Another way to hone in on your love language is by going over your principles. Values are the ideals that we want to stand by in our lives and what we want to represent to others, continues Ho. If you value community, you may care more about acts of service that deepen and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. If you value integrity, you may be a person who cares more about words of affirmation because a person’s word is like gold to you.
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Things To Do When Couple Have Different Love Languages
The heart wants what it wants. So, what if you fell in love with someone who speaks a different Love Language® than yours? Does having incompatible Love Languages® mean your relationship is doomed to fail?
Not at all. So, if youre wondering what to do when you and your partner have different Love Languages®, here are 10 things to help you cope and create the relationship of your dreams.
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Mothers of boys have the special calling to shape future men of God. Popular speaker Rhonda Stoppe, mom to two sons, knows this opportunity is a challenge, a joy, and probably the most important work of a womans life. Drawing from years of experience, this inspirational resource will revive the faithfulness and fortitude a woman needs to partner with God as they shape the character and heart of a future godly man.
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Acts Of Service As A Way To Express Love
Acts of service as a way to express your love language can be a practical and much-appreciated method for showing affection in a relationship.
Acts of service have been defined as tangible support or doing something for your partner that he/she would like even if they didnt ask.
While all acts can be considered acts of service, there are some common themes: doing something unexpected, doing something regularly, and doing something important to your spouse or significant other.
One reason why acts of service are so awesome for showing love in a relationship is that they do not require much time, but you can still show great amounts of affection by doing something small, like putting the dishes away after dinner instead of leaving them out.
Another awesome aspect about Acts of Service as a way to express your love language is that they communicate that someones needs are being met, which builds up their sense of security and general contentness in the relationship.
Many people who are unfamiliar with acts of service think that these kinds of things are chores or daily tasks, which should only be done when asked.
But frequently it goes far beyond this definition. Feeling loved often requires action, and acts of service as a way to say I love you can be any action that meets your spouses needs or makes life easier for them.
First, think about times when your spouse has expressed appreciation for something youve done.
Love Languages In Everyday Life
According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they’d like to hear verbal praise or, “I love you.” It’s highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.
Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.
The key is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Then, put this into practice.
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Love Language Criticisms To Consider
The five love languages provide a great framework for understanding your relationship and each other, but they dont necessarily represent exactly how everyone wants to give and show love.
Chances are that you resonate strongly with more than one of the love languages and your partner and other loved ones do, too.
Gender and cultural norms have also shifted quite a bit since the love languages were first introduced, and how we express love and how we want to be loved has shifted right alongside.
While we all have our own ways of expressing love, they dont necessarily fit neatly into one of the five presets laid out in a time when women were historically more likely to serve and men were better equipped financially speaking to give gifts.
If youre looking for better understanding and communication in a relationship, the original love languages can be a good start, but there are other tools you can use.
A survey by Truity, a company offering personality tests, recently shared their finding of seven love styles based on a survey of over 500,000 people. Consider it an updated framework of the original love languages, plus two extras. You can fill out their online quiz to figure out your styles.
Theres also the Routes of Safety model created by Jake Ernst, MSW, RSW, a Toronto-based psychotherapist, thats in his words, trauma-informed love languages.
What Are Love Languages
The concept of love languages was first introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman, a renowned marriage counsellor, after 20 years of helping couples save their marriages in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
According to Chapman, there are five ways to express and receive love. And everyone has a unique love language. In other words, people value different ways of expressing love.
Likewise, relationship experts say its important to know how to show love to your partner in a relationship.
In other words, your relationship may head for the rocks if both partners do not understand each others love languages.
Key Takeaways
- Dr. Gary Chapman pioneered the concept of love languages in his bookThe Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.These languages communicate how people in an intimate relationship want to give and receive love.
- The five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.
- People often have a mix of love languages. However, there is usually a dominant onewhile others are subservient.
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Jesus And Physical Touch
I want to challenge you to make this connection with me. When you think of physical touch as a love language, what comes to mind? For a lot of people, its sex. Massages. Kisses. Hand holding. Those things are well and good, but lets dig a little deeper. Take a look at John 15:13 ,
Greater love has no one than this than to lay down ones life for a friend.
Didnt Jesus do this EXACT thing for us when He obediently went to the cross? No resistance, no complaints simply love humility and sacrifice. And it opened the door for us to receive the GREATEST gift.
The Complete Guide To The Different Love Languages And What They Mean
88% of Americans believe love is the most important reason to get married. Though making a lifelong commitment and companionship were also highly valued as reasons to tie the knot.
Marriage isnt always easy. While the reasons why couples divorce may vary, it often boils down to poor communication between two people. Sometimes its because they dont realize theyre both speaking different love languages. While your spouse may express themselves with touching, you may feel verbally expressing yourself is how you share love. Understanding love languages is a huge key to having a loving and fulfilling relationship that lasts.
If youre looking to answer the question, what is my love language? Or if you just want to communicate better as a couple, keep reading. Well help you determine what is your love language.
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