Tuesday, November 28, 2023

Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages

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Dr. Gary Chapman on The Five Love Languages
  • When we feel loved, we are able to love.
  • Love is not love until it is expressed. And the greatest expression of love is love in action.
  • The greatest thing you can do for your spouse is to love and serve God with all your heart.
  • The love she most desires is a feeling that lives deep within her. It is a love that is absolute, unconditional, and unending.
  • The love languages are tools to express love, but they are not love.
  • Without communication, love cannot exist.
  • Love is the foundation of any lasting relationship.
  • Love is a choice we make, not a feeling we have.
  • The love languages are not just for married couples but for anyone who wants to express love to those around them.
  • The love languages are not only for the young, but for the old and the middle-aged as well.
  • How Love Languages Benefit Relationships

    We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.

    At The Heart Of Every Man Is A Desire To Master What Matters

    Getting a compliment at work or on the court is nice, but nothing beats hearing your spouse say, “You make me feel loved.” If you haven’t heard that in a while or feel like you are not bringing your A-game into your relationship, this book is for you.

    The 5 Love Languages® has sold 20 MILLION COPIES because it is simple, practical, and effective. In this edition, Gary Chapman speaks straight to men about the rewards of speaking their wife’s love language. You’ll learn each language, how to identify your wife’s, and how to speak it clearly. Packed with helpful illustrations and creative pointers, these pages will rouse your inner champion and empower you to master the art of love.

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    What Are The New Seven Love Languages

    In efforts to be more inclusive and current, Truity, a company that offers a variety of online personality quizzes, released its list of 7 new love languages earlier this year . Truity surveyed over 500,000 people in their study and came up with this list of 7 new love languages: activity, appreciation, emotional, financial, intellectual, physical, and practical. The below definitions are directly from Truitys site:


    People who focus on the Activity love language feel special and valued when their partner takes an interest in their hobbies and activities and makes an effort to enjoy hobbies and interests together.


    People who focus on the Appreciation love language feel loved when their partner gives them compliments, praise, and thanks. They appreciate hearing explicitly what their partner likes and admires about them.


    Those who focus on the Emotional love language feel loved when their partner is able to connect with them and support them through difficult and scary emotions. Being present for the highs and lows is very important to those with the Emotional love language.


    People with the Financial love language feel loved when their partner is generous with resources, and sees value in spending money to bring their partner pleasure and joy. This love language may be expressed through gifts, or just making space in the family budget for your partners enjoyment.




    Love Language #: Gifts

    Date Night: Gary Chapman and The 5 Love Languages  RFVA

    Those of us whose love language is gifts arent necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, its the thought that counts.

    When youre out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommates favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter whose love language is gifts is a junior in college and we know shell adore whats in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. Its an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.

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    Its Never Too Late To Start Loving Better

    Dating, married, single, or simply looking for better ways to connect with others? Theres a book for you!

    They love each other, right? Then why do they always feel like they’re not on the same page?

    The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care.

    In his early years as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman noticed that over and over, couples voiced similar complaints regarding their marriage.

    One spouse would say something like, “I feel like he doesn’t love me.”

    And the other would protest, “I don’t know what else to do. I’m doing everything I should be doing.”

    Recognizing this pattern and remembering the rocky start in his own marriage, Dr. Chapman pored three years of session notes.

    He asked himself, “When someone’s saying, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what did they want?”

    Surprisingly, their answers fell into five different categories, revealing a unique approach for how to effectively love another person.

    The premise is simple: Different people, with different personalities, give and receive love in different ways. Dr. Chapman called these ways of expressing and receiving love “The 5 Love Languages®.” He even wrote a best-selling book about it.

    This revolutionary concept has improved millions of relationships across the globe.

    The Word Love Is Used In A Thousand Different Ways

    What are some of the ways that you express the love that you feel?

    Often when we try to put words into action, it doesn’t always translate how we intended it to. And what may feel like loving behavior for one person, may not appear to be loving for another. How often do you hear parents who overindulge their children, referring to this behavior in terms of love? A family therapist might argue that this is just irresponsible parenting. Furthermore, love may also be used to justify and deny a partner’s problematic behavior, such as excessive drinking for example. Outsiders may see this act of turning a blind eye, not as love, but as enabling an unhealthy behavior.

    We can’t eliminate the confusing nuances of love, but we can learn how to understand the different kinds of love. These different kinds of love are essential to us, and to those around us. Emotional wellbeing is linked to how we’re loved, and the psychiatrist Ross Campbell argues that, children have an emotional tank that needs to be filled with love, and this need is something that follows us into adulthood.

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    Love Language #: Physical Touch

    Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.

    I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub literally. Theyd do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, theyre experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.

    While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone whos overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.

    Watch Carol Bruesss TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here:

    Haven Today February 10 2021

    The 5 Love Languages Explained

    With Valentines Day around the corner, Charles Morris returns to one of his favorite interviews on the topic of love with Dr. Gary Chapman. You might recognize him as the author of The 5 Love Languages. Written more than two decades ago, this is one of those rare books that is consistently found near the top of every bestseller list year after year.

    So why does this concept of five love languages resonate with so many people both Christians and unbelievers? And what do they have to do with how we relate to God and others?

    Charles and Gary answer these questions and get to the heart of how to better communicate and receive love in this special Valentines Day conversation.

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    What Are The 5 Love Languages

    The five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, where he describes these five unique styles of communicating love, categories he distilled from his experience in marriage counseling and linguistics.

    “We all may relate to most of these languages, but each of us has one that speaks to us the most,” marriage and family therapist Sunny Motamedi, Psy.D., tells mbg. “Discovering you and your partner’s primary love language and speaking that language regularly may a better understanding of each other’s needs and support each other’s growth.”

    Here’s an overview of each of the five love languages Chapman describes:

    Love Language #: Words Of Affirmation

    Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: I really loved it when you made dinner last night Wow, it was so nice of you to organize that neighborhood bonfire or just I love you.

    For the people in your life that youre not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. My kindergarten-aged goddaughter and I havent been together in 7+ months, but we text each other silly videos of us saying or even singing what we miss most about each other.

    And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters. This is my primary love language, and my husband of 29 years knows it. Ill often wake up and go into the kitchen to find a sweet post-it note next to a glass of ice water on the counter .

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    The Five Love Languages

    The Five Love Languages

    The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

    The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1992 book by Gary Chapman. It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls “love languages”. They are acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.

    When It Comes To Love We All Speak Different Languages

    The Heart of the Five Love Languages

    Keeping love alive is a serious business. When it’s in jeopardy, we go to therapy, couples’ counseling, or maybe even turn to the internet for advice on, “how to rekindle the spark.” The problem is that it’s difficult to resolve issues when partners don’t understand each other. So Chapman suggests going back to the basics. This approach means looking at language, which forms the basis of connection.

    We all grow up speaking a primary language. Later on in life, we may learn a new language, which can take an enormous effort. However, as with all things, practice makes perfect, and the more you speak a particular language, the easier it becomes.

    The difficulty arises when we speak a specific language and encounter someone who speaks another. Communication will be limited, so to understand each other, we may try to point, grunt, draw, or even act out our ideas. So, communication can occur, but it’ll likely appear awkward and unnatural. Ultimately, for effective communication, we need to learn each other’s language.

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    The Five Love Languages: Words Of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts Of Service And Physical Touch

    While each of the languages is important, most of us tend to have one primary type of love language.

    Do you like hearing compliments or meaningful affirmations, and are you the type of person who gets very upset by insults?

    If you answered ‘yes,’ then words of affirmation is probably your love language. If this sounds like something your partner would say yes to, then you need to make sure that you give them genuine compliments and tell them you appreciate them often.

    Are you the type of person who values full and undivided attention above all else?

    If so, then quality time is your primary love language. One-on-one time with zero distractions is what makes this type of person feel most loved. Canceled or postponed dates, and failure to listen, are especially harmful to people who value the importance of quality time. So if this is your partner’s love language, then learn to listen deeply, and make an effort to give them your undivided attention as often as you can. Check-in with them and see what they would like to do with you. Don’t just assume what they’d like, ask them, and then schedule a time for this.

    How do you feel about the giving and receiving of gifts and celebrating birthdays and special occasions?

    The Two New Love Languages

    As for emotional and intellectual, these are a bit more inclusive of modern relationships. Thirty years ago, we werent as aware of toxic masculinity as we are now. So, men were not as free to display their emotions as they are now. Perhaps, more men will find that emotional will be their love language in todays culture. Along the same lines, the past two years have opened countless conversations between couples that they certainly wouldnt have had ten or twenty years ago. Perhaps, one may realize that intellectual is their preferred love language.

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    Beyond The Five Love Languages

    Now that we have a clear understanding of Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, lets talk about how theyve been received and how they have changed since 1992. Chapman himself will be the first to admit that his five love languages are just a framework. They are a place to start, not an all-encompassing, exclusive way to love those in your life. Hes adapted his original book for couples to books on the love languages for children, singles, teenagers, men, and even one specifically for military service members. Hes created podcasts, radio shows, and conferences on the topic. Counselors, relationship experts, and even employers all over the world have turned to Chapmans concept as a guide for understanding how humans connect with one another.

    Criticisms Of The Love Language Theory

    What is Your Love Language?

    Fast-forward to the present day, almost 30 years from the book’s publication. As popular as the concept is, many people have since pointed out problems with the love languages. Some people can use the love languages theory as a sort of personality test, despite the fact that Chapman’s whole point is that we’re supposed to adapt ourselves to our partner’s love language, not demand they use ours.

    Indeed, recent research revealed couples being aligned with each other’s love language wavelength doesn’t exactly mean it makes a successful and happy relationship. Couples who shared the same love language weren’t happier than the couples who had differing styles, suggesting mastering fluency over the love language system and adapting it based on what the partner needs at the moment is more valuable than solely relying on a dominant love language type.

    “It promotes codependency and prevents partners from developing autonomy and authenticity,” Motamedi adds. “A relationship is a place for transformation and growth. When we limit each other with a specific love language, we do not allow room for change.”

    In general, it’s important not to use love languages as a universal salve to remedy issues. It’s clear we need more skill sets than those in our tool kit to face problems that may exist below the surface of our relationship.

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    The Honeymoon Period Doesn’t Last Forever

    Romantic love, and those tingly warm feelings that you experience in the early part of a relationship, are unsustainable, and that’s okay. Society feeds us faulty information when it comes to how love should feel. We tell ourselves that if we’re really in love, then this feeling will last forever. However, the longevity of the “in-love” experience is completely fictional, and unsustainable. Psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, has studied the “in-love” phenomenon extensively. She concludes that the average lifespan of a romantic obsession is two years. Eventually, she says, we descend from the clouds and plant our feet firmly on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. It’s at this stage that interactions might start to change from, ‘where should we have dinner tonight?’ to ‘why didn’t you get the milk?’

    It’s at this point that we may question why we said “yes” to the proposal of marriage. We wonder if we should resign ourselves to this reality, or jump ship and try again. But keep in mind that the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than that of first marriages. And, what’s more, the divorce rate for third marriages is higher still. This means that the chances of a happier marriage the second or third time around, diminishes significantly.

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