Be Present And Available
When your partner is feeling insecure or going through a tough time, you can really show you care by simply being there and spending some quality time together. Even though you won’t be able to take all the discomfort awaynor should you be expected toyou will be able to demonstrate that you are present and available when they need you.
Whats Your Dominant Love Language
While all of the love languages are important, which one resonates most profoundly with you?
Understanding how you try to show love, or what you value and appreciate most from your partner, may help you to determine your love language. Alternatively, you could try to think about some of the ways youve been made to feel loved in the past. The secret is, that once you know your love language, then youll be able to communicate with your partner, and find out what makes them feel valued and cared for. Maybe they have the same love language as you, or maybe you need to learn how to speak their language?
To dive into more depth on this topic, you could take the quiz on Dr. Chapmans website, five love languages dot com.
They Don’t Fix Other Relationship Problems
The five love languages won’t fix all of your relationship issues they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.
Research shows that couples who use each other’s love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. While the love languages were a tool, the couples’ accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.
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Love Languages In Everyday Life
According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they’d like to hear verbal praise or, “I love you.” It’s highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.
Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.
The key is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Then, put this into practice.
Chapter Ten: Love Is A Choice
Everything you do is a choice, including the words you use. The in love experience is instinctive. It happens and its short-lived. It meets, momentarily, our need for love. Its euphoric and it fills our love tank quickly. Real love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.
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Tips For Using Words Of Affirmation
A sweet note laying in the middle of the kitchen counter a post-it placed in the middle of the mirror or a favorite poem verse tucked into a suitcasethese examples are just a few of the many different options that might speak to a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation.
If your partner’s primary love language is words of affirmation, you will need to find ways to communicate how much they mean to you. Here are some tips on how to speak this love language to your partner.
Love Language #: Quality Time
Having another persons undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, its actually one of the easiest to engage in.
Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues youve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse no phones or Im just going to turn on the TV for a second distractions allowed. Nothing says I love you in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.
Love Language #: Gifts
Those of us whose love language is gifts arent necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, its the thought that counts.
When youre out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommates favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter whose love language is gifts is a junior in college and we know shell adore whats in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. Its an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.
What Are The 5 Love Languages
The five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, where he describes these five unique styles of communicating love, categories he distilled from his experience in marriage counseling and linguistics.
“We all may relate to most of these languages, but each of us has one that speaks to us the most,” marriage and family therapist Sunny Motamedi, Psy.D., tells mbg. “Discovering you and your partner’s primary love language and speaking that language regularly may a better understanding of each other’s needs and support each other’s growth.”
Here’s an overview of each of the five love languages Chapman describes:
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Set Limits On Technology
Nothing hurts a quality time person more than to share something they feel is really important, and then to look up and realize their partner is only half paying attention while trying to answer an e-mail from a co-worker or respond to a text.
Make it a habit to put away your phone at dinner or during a coffee break and really focus on what your partner has to say. Even though you may not discuss anything earth-shattering, you are making an important and loving gesture by choosing your partner over technology.
Love Language #: Physical Touch
Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.
I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub literally. Theyd do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, theyre experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.
While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone whos overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.
Watch Carol Bruesss TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here:
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When It Comes To Love We All Speak Different Languages
Keeping love alive is a serious business. When it’s in jeopardy, we go to therapy, couples’ counseling, or maybe even turn to the internet for advice on, “how to rekindle the spark.” The problem is that it’s difficult to resolve issues when partners don’t understand each other. So Chapman suggests going back to the basics. This approach means looking at language, which forms the basis of connection.
We all grow up speaking a primary language. Later on in life, we may learn a new language, which can take an enormous effort. However, as with all things, practice makes perfect, and the more you speak a particular language, the easier it becomes.
The difficulty arises when we speak a specific language and encounter someone who speaks another. Communication will be limited, so to understand each other, we may try to point, grunt, draw, or even act out our ideas. So, communication can occur, but it’ll likely appear awkward and unnatural. Ultimately, for effective communication, we need to learn each other’s language.
How To Ask For More Words Of Affirmation
If your love language is words of affirmation, it feels amazing when your partner delivers a positive or loving message. You might be wondering how to get them to use your love language more often.
When your partner offers words of affirmation, let them know that their words make you feel good. Try saying, “I love when you tell me what a great job I’m doing,” or “It makes me feel so good to hear you say that.” When you respond with gratitude, your partner will likely be encouraged to continue offering you words of affirmation.
You might even introduce your partner to the love languages if they aren’t already familiar. Maybe you and your partner sit down to discuss each other’s preferred language.
You can make learning about the love languages a fun and intimate way to initiate a conversation about what feels good for both of you.
It’s also helpful to be familiar with your partner’s love language, especially if it’s different from your own. They might not always deliver words of affirmation when you want them to, but that’s OK. Try noticing and appreciating it if they offer you another sign of their love .
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Give Them A Shout Out
Make sure you compliment your words of affirmation partner in front of other people. Tell them what makes you proud and what you really appreciate. Don’t go overboard and embarrass your partner, but telling others how awesome you think your partner is will touch their heart in so many ways. So, don’t be stingy with the compliments. This is a great way to fill your partner’s love tank.
Focus On Quality Not Quantity
When it comes to quality time, it’s not about the amount of time you spend together but instead the quality of your interactions that count. And with so much going on in your life, carving out a few minutes for a meaningful and uninterrupted conversation can be a wonderful way to show the person you love that you care.
The key is that you take the time to enjoy one another’s company, even if it is just sitting on the couch enjoying a cup of coffee before work. Remember, it’s not about the quantity of time you spend together, but rather the quality.
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Why Do I Constantly Need To Be In Control
Wanting things to go well is perfectly normal, but sometimes this need for perfection can represent a huge barrier in our lives. Do you have trouble not giving in to the temptation of micromanaging everything in your life? Does leaving things to chance make you nervous and put you on edge? Where does your need to control everything come from? Letting go and becoming more easygoing will change everything for you and help you start living your best life. Discover how to let loose and free yourself from this need.
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Show Love Through Non
Physically touching your partner is one of the best ways to build a bridge and increase feelings of connectedness. When your partner gets home from work, you might kiss them or hug them, which can immediately release some of that days tension. These are simple but meaningful gestures.
Some non-intimate touches can lead to intimacy, but can be a great alternative for couples who are looking for ways to express non-sexual love through physical touch:
Notice when you argue or disagree with your partner, you often move physically away from them. Its not always easy to break the tension following an argument, but often the best way to reconnect is to close that physical distance and touch your partner.
Youve probably heard of the phrase makeup sex. Reconnecting physically with your partner can signal that the argument is over and that youve both moved on. However, not all couples want to be sexually intimate following a fight. Hugging, kissing, or even holding hands can be just as meaningful.
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Use Active Listening Skills
Active listening is one of the most loving things you can do for your partner, but for many people, this doesnt come naturally. Instead, most people think about their own thoughts and opinions more than they think about their partners.
When quality time people are talking, try the following active listening skills:
- Focus on what they are saying.
- Lean in slightly.
- Affirm what they are saying.
- Ask thoughtful questions.
- Avoid trying to offer advice, unless they ask for it.
- Try putting yourself in their shoes or thinking about how you might feel in the same situation.
Quality time partners are more interested in feeling understood. They are looking for empathy and compassion and dont always want to have their situations fixed.
How To Break Up With Someone You Live With
Have you decided to end your relationship, yet you want to do it in the kindest way possible? If you are in this situation, you must go about it in the right way, regardless of what’s gone on or who is to blame. Breakups can be brutal, and you don’t want to inflict pain and suffering on your partner, right? But you can’t exactly let yourself be unhappy for much longer either, and need to move out. Letting someone down gently is a tough balance to enact, and it involves asking yourself the right questions to make the separation as painless as possible. If you want to be able to walk away from your partner in the smoothest possible way, you’re in the right place.
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How To Identify Your Love Language
In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:
- Tells you, I love you, or praises something you did?
- Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
- Plans a trip for just the two of you?
- Runs the errands or does the laundry?
- Holds your hand while youre walking?
Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner. Chapman also offers an online 30-question quiz to help you determine your dominant love language.
Your partners love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language , they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.
In 1992, author Gary Chapman revolutionized the way many people view love with his bestselling book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In the book, Chapman shares five primary ways romantic partners give and receive love, adding that we all speak certain languages better than others in our romantic lives.
You may know or suspect that one of your partners strongest love languages is the act of giving and receiving gifts. Or perhaps gifts are your love language and youre looking for a better way to communicate your needs.
How To Use Acts Of Service In Your Relationship
Growing up, my father would cut up pineapple and leave little pieces in the fridge, a toothpick poking out of each, because he knew that pineapple was my favorite fruit. I didnt know it then, but my father showed his love through Acts of Service. Hed take my car, unannounced, and fill it up with gas. Hed spend hours washing windows, cleaning leather shoes, running to the grocery store. This was his way of showing me his love and affection.
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How To Know If Physical Touch Is Their Love Language
People tend to express affection in the way to which they themselves respond. If your partner consistently shows love through physical touch as described here, chances are good that this is their love language.
Given the importance of communication in your relationship, however, the best way to discover your partner’s love language is to talk about it. Explore the five love languages together and see if physical touch resonates with your partner.
The Honeymoon Period Doesn’t Last Forever
Romantic love, and those tingly warm feelings that you experience in the early part of a relationship, are unsustainable, and that’s okay. Society feeds us faulty information when it comes to how love should feel. We tell ourselves that if we’re really in love, then this feeling will last forever. However, the longevity of the “in-love” experience is completely fictional, and unsustainable. Psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, has studied the “in-love” phenomenon extensively. She concludes that the average lifespan of a romantic obsession is two years. Eventually, she says, we descend from the clouds and plant our feet firmly on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. It’s at this stage that interactions might start to change from, ‘where should we have dinner tonight?’ to ‘why didn’t you get the milk?’
It’s at this point that we may question why we said “yes” to the proposal of marriage. We wonder if we should resign ourselves to this reality, or jump ship and try again. But keep in mind that the divorce rate for second marriages is higher than that of first marriages. And, what’s more, the divorce rate for third marriages is higher still. This means that the chances of a happier marriage the second or third time around, diminishes significantly.
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