What Are The Love Languages
According to Chapman and the Love Languages system, there are five different ways that people experience love:
Of course, all of these types of love are felt by everyone. That said, everyone has a primary way of receiving love and expressing it to others something that feels the most instinctual and rewarding, according to Chapman. This is called your “primary love language.” You can also pinpoint your secondary love language, the one that resonates with you most after your first choice.
But it gets even more interesting: The primary way you receive love may not be the same as the primary way you express it. For example, you may love to give other people thoughtful gifts, but when gifts are given to you, it might not make a big impression.
And, yes, your preferred love language can change over time, within a relationship, with changing life situations, and from relationship to relationship it’s fluid, just like sexuality. For instance, you may value physical touch more with a romantic partner than you do with your family you may value acts of service from your partner more after becoming a parent than you did prior or you may need to adapt your love languages when in a long-distance relationship.
Receiving Gifts As A Love Language
Receiving gifts is the final love language. It needs to be said that this love language is not reserved for the greedy or so-called gold diggers.
For someone whose love language is gifts, it goes way beyond just wanting stuff. For this person, its all about the meaning behind the gift and the thought that went into it. No diamonds or luxury cars are required.
Signs that receiving gifts is your love language:
- When it comes to gift-giving, you put in the time to choose the most thoughtful gift.
- You treasure everything a partner gives you, no matter how small.
- Youre hurt when someone you love doesnt commemorate an event with a thoughtful token.
Showing love through gifts isnt about extravagance. A small memento will be just as appreciated because big or small, a gift is a tangible reminder that they were thought of and are loved.
Here are some ways to show love to someone whose love language is receiving gifts:
- Picking up their favorite pastry or candy on your way home.
- Surprising them with flowers whether store-bought or picked from the side of the road.
- Giving them a thoughtful greeting card just because.
- Bringing your BFF a keepsake from your early friendship, like a picture from your first road trip.
- Choosing gifts that are personal to your relationship.
Love Language : Acts Of Service
Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner helps you with tasks that reduce your burden or ease your stress?
Examples: Your partner does a chore for you, runs an errand for you, or takes care of something without having to be asked?
If these things make you feel the most loved and happier, acts of service may be your primary love language.
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Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should work to learn their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
Criticisms Of The Love Language Theory
Fast-forward to the present day, almost 30 years from the book’s publication. As popular as the concept is, many people have since pointed out problems with the love languages. Some people can use the love languages theory as a sort of personality test, despite the fact that Chapman’s whole point is that we’re supposed to adapt ourselves to our partner’s love language, not demand they use ours.
Indeed, recent research revealed couples being aligned with each other’s love language wavelength doesn’t exactly mean it makes a successful and happy relationship. Couples who shared the same love language weren’t happier than the couples who had differing styles, suggesting mastering fluency over the love language system and adapting it based on what the partner needs at the moment is more valuable than solely relying on a dominant love language type.
“It promotes codependency and prevents partners from developing autonomy and authenticity,” Motamedi adds. “A relationship is a place for transformation and growth. When we limit each other with a specific love language, we do not allow room for change.”
In general, it’s important not to use love languages as a universal salve to remedy issues. It’s clear we need more skill sets than those in our tool kit to face problems that may exist below the surface of our relationship.
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The Most Common Love Language
Chapman analyzed the results of 10,000 people who took his online quiz in 2010 and found words of affirmation was the most popular language but by a thin margin. In 2018, dating app Hinge analyzed their app and found the most common love language was quality time, by far.
“I personally believe it also depends on gender, culture, customs, and values,” Mahmud-Syed notes. “Certain love languages which are prevalent in the West are much less common in non-Western cultures. For example, in my South Asian culture, directly praising someone is very uncomfortable and often not well received. Instead, praising that person to a third party is more highly valued when they hear about what you said about them through the grapevine. Also, public display of affection between spouses or romantic partners is also a major taboo.”
How To Use Them
Know your love language so you can communicate it to those around you to help them love you in a way that suits you! Understand your partners love language and make sure you put this understanding to action!
Dont just get yourself familiar with the languages. Instead, act on them! When your partners upset, use their love language to find a way to make up using one thing theyd appreciate the most. When they have accomplished something huge, remember what they love and do it to let them know youre proud of them.
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The Secret To Loving Teens Effectively
Over 600,000 copies sold!
Socially, mentally, and spiritually, teenagers face a variety of pressures and stresses each day. Despite these pressures, it is still parents who can influence teens the most, and The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers equips parents to make the most of that opportunity.
In this adaptation of the #1 New York Times bestseller The 5 Love Languages®, Dr. Gary Chapman explores the world in which teenagers live, explains their developmental changes, and gives tools to help you identify and appropriately communicate in your teens love language.
The Five Love Languages: What Are They And What Do They Mean
Love languages are the way in which people like to receive and express love in a relationship.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, the key to a lasting relationship is learning your partners love languages and telling them yours.
Here are the five love languages and what they mean:
Words of affirmation
People whose love language is words of affirmation enjoy regular compliments and words of appreciation in their relationship.
Whether its being told You look nice today or a simple I love you, these verbal expressions make them feel appreciated, understood and cared for.
Spending quality time with your partner is important in all relationships, but it is even more valuable to people with this love language.
They love when they are being active listened to and when their partner is fully present.
Having a distracted or distant partner can make them feel unseen or unheard.
People with physical touch as their love language feel most loved when they receive physical signs of affection, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing and sex.
Physical touch can be very affirming for people with this love language, and they can feel isolated in a relationship without it.
Acts of service
If your love language is acts of service, you value when your partner goes out of their way to help you out.
Its not about the monetary value of the gift but the thought behind it.
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Beyond The Five Love Languages
Now that we have a clear understanding of Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, lets talk about how theyve been received and how they have changed since 1992. Chapman himself will be the first to admit that his five love languages are just a framework. They are a place to start, not an all-encompassing, exclusive way to love those in your life. Hes adapted his original book for couples to books on the love languages for children, singles, teenagers, men, and even one specifically for military service members. Hes created podcasts, radio shows, and conferences on the topic. Counselors, relationship experts, and even employers all over the world have turned to Chapmans concept as a guide for understanding how humans connect with one another.
They Don’t Fix Other Relationship Problems
The five love languages won’t fix all of your relationship issues they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.
Research shows that couples who use each other’s love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. While the love languages were a tool, the couples’ accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.
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Know What Words Your Partner Likes Most
“The trick with words of affirmation is understanding what kind of positive phrases speak directly to your partner,” Di Leo says.
Some people prefer statements that aren’t directed at their appearance and prefer to be celebrated for their contributions, or they may want more acknowledgment on a day-to-day level.
It’s important to move away from the generalities of the theory and focus on being hyper-targeted with your partner so you can show up in your partnership the way that they need you to, on an individual level.
Specific Advice For Military Couples
If you are in a military relationship, you know the strain of long deployments, lonely nights, and difficult transitions. For extraordinary challenges like these, couples need specific advice. In this updated edition of The 5 Love Languages®:Military Edition, relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman teams up with Jocelyn Green, a former military wife, to speak directly to military couples. They share the simple secret to loving each other best including stories from every branch of service, tips for expressing love when apart, and an updated FAQs section.
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Signs Your Love Language Is Physical Touch:
Can I Identify My Love Language If I Am Single
Yes. You dont have to be in a relationship to be shown love. Your friends and family can also show you love, and everyone needs to receive love.
After reading this article, you should feel more knowledgeable about love languages, and you should be able to easily identify which one is your love language and perhaps even your partners love language. Doing so will greatly affect your relationship positively. Although you may think that you are happy in your relationship the way it is when you can know each others love languages, it opens a whole new possibility of showing your partner love.
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Love Language #: Quality Time
Having another persons undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, its actually one of the easiest to engage in.
Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues youve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse no phones or Im just going to turn on the TV for a second distractions allowed. Nothing says I love you in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.
Go To Bed At The Same Time
If schedules allow, if you live with your partner, Chapman also suggests going to bed at the same time. Not only are you ending the day next to each other, but you can have some time together to connect before you say good night.
While there is no foolproof way to perfectly maintain a relationship, understanding the love language of your partner, as well as how you like to give and receive love, can go a long way toward keeping the two of you content and connected. So, if you think you or your partner might just be speaking the language of quality time, schedule that date night soon and enjoy every moment.
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Physical Touch As A Love Language
Physical touch is the third love language. Lets be clear that this is appropriate, consensual physical touch, which looks different depending on the situation and the type of relationship you have with the person.
For people whose love language is physical touch, expressing and receiving love through physical contact is important. Touch is the way they connect and feel connected with others.
Physical contact might be your love language if:
- You feel lonely or disconnected when you dont get physical affection from your partner.
- You feel especially loved when a partner randomly kisses you or holds you.
- You consider yourself a touchy-feely person and enjoy PDA.
Obviously, the way you can and should touch others really comes down to the relationship you share. Expressing affection through physical touch can happen through small physical gestures, like a hug or snuggling. If appropriate, it can also involve more intimate contact like kissing, and yes, sexual activities.
Here are some examples of expressing love through physical touch:
- Kissing a partner hello and goodbye.
- Being generous with your affection, including in public.
- Spending some time cuddling in bed before and after sleep.
- Prioritizing sex, even if you have to schedule it.
- Using touch when comforting them, such as placing your hand on theirs or holding them.
Again, consent is a must. Only touch someone or use these examples if theyve conveyed theyre wanted and welcome.
Love Language : Words Of Affirmation
Ask yourself, how do you feel when you hear your partner offer encouraging, positive, and affirming words, and compliments?
Examples: Your partner congratulates you, tells you “great job!”, tells you that you look attractive, or thanks you for something?
If these things make you feel the most loved and happy, words of affirmation may be your primary love language.
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The Five Love Languages: Everything You Need To Know
Get expert help with understanding yours and your partners love language. to chat online to someone right now.
Dr. Gary Chapman, an anthropologist and philosopher, wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages after working as a marriage counselor for several years.
During his time as a counselor, he realized that the vast majority of relationship issues stemmed from the fact that people express and understand emotional love in different ways.
He determined that although there are many different facets of such expression, they all fall under the umbrellas of five primary languages.
- Words of Affirmation
When people speak a different love language than their partner, their actions can be misinterpreted, and their needs neglected.
Note that this isnt out of any kind of malice, but rather a lack of awareness and understanding.
Lets take a look at these love languages to see what they encompass, and what they mean in terms of understanding one another on a more fundamental level.