The Book In Three Sentences
Love Language #: Gifts
Those of us whose love language is gifts arent necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, its the thought that counts.
When youre out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommates favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter whose love language is gifts is a junior in college and we know shell adore whats in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. Its an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.
How Love Languages Benefit Relationships
We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.
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Simple Ways To Strengthen Any Relationship
With more than 10 million copies sold, The 5 Love Languages® continues to transform relationships worldwide. And though originally written for married couples, its concepts have proven applicable to families, friends, and even coworkers. The premise is simple: Each person gives and receives love in a certain language, and speaking it will strengthen that relationship. For singles, that means you can:
Understand yourself and others better
Grow closer to family, friends, and others you care about
Gain courage to express your emotions and affection
Discover the missing ingredient in past relationships
Date more successfully and more
Whether you want to be closer to your parents, reach out more to your friends, or give dating another try,
The 5 Love Languages®: Singles Edition will give you the confidence you need to connect with others in a meaningful way. Nothing has more potential for enhancing ones sense of well-being than effectively loving and being loved. This book is designed to help you do both of these things effectively. Gary Chapman
Includes a quiz to help you learn your love language, plus a section on the pros and cons of online dating.
The Most Common Love Language
Chapman analyzed the results of 10,000 people who took his online quiz in 2010 and found words of affirmation was the most popular language but by a thin margin. In 2018, dating app Hinge analyzed their app and found the most common love language was quality time, by far.
“I personally believe it also depends on gender, culture, customs, and values,” Mahmud-Syed notes. “Certain love languages which are prevalent in the West are much less common in non-Western cultures. For example, in my South Asian culture, directly praising someone is very uncomfortable and often not well received. Instead, praising that person to a third party is more highly valued when they hear about what you said about them through the grapevine. Also, public display of affection between spouses or romantic partners is also a major taboo.”
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Are You Ready To Find Out More About Your Love Language
Now that you know about The 5 Love Languages®, you should have a good idea of which one is your primary language. Lets see what yours has to say about you!
It Isnt About Your Love Language Its About Your Partners
A framework meant to help people become more attuned to their partners now gets treated like a personality test.
The idea that there are five distinct love languages may be as familiar to some people today as the idea that there are seven continents, four seasons, or three Stoogeswhich is a pretty spectacular showing, all told, for a concept that was introduced in a 1992 book by a Southern Baptist pastor that was aimed mostly at married Christian couples. The author, Gary Chapman, based his theory that everyone has a primary love language on his own observations as a counselor. Enumerated in the book and now well known to millions, the five love languages are quality time, physical touch, acts of service, giving and receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.
Clearly, the theory resonated: If you were to search for the phrase love language on Twitter, perhaps late on a Wednesday morning, youd likely find more than 50 tweets from the past hour containing the phrase. Some would be jokes: Brunch is my love language. Downtempo experimental bass is my love language. Listening to Dave Ramseys podcast together is my love language. Weed, music, avocado tzatzikiall have been cited as at least one persons self-described love language. Other tweets would be earnest and self-appraising: Hanging out on the couch with him this weekend made me so happyguess my love language is quality time. Almost all of them would also identify or explain the persons own love language.
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How To Identify Your Love Language
In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:
- Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
- Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
- Plans a trip for just the two of you?
- Runs the errands or does the laundry?
- Holds your hand while you’re walking?
Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner. Chapman also offers an online 30-question quiz to help you determine your dominant love language.
Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language , they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.
Many People Misuse The Languages
Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, partners might start keeping track of all the times they use their partner’s love language and compare it to how many times their partner used theirs.
Love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, but you shouldn’t use them as games or weapons against your partner. Some people continue to use their own language to show they careâand that’s OK.
You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partnerâs actions even if they donât match your own language perfectly.
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They May Lead To Pressure On Partners
Many people talk about love languages in the context of committed relationships or marriage. Remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.
You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your love language to you.
One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other’s love languages was that the recipient often didn’t recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language. It’s crucial that the recipient recognizes their partner’s efforts, even if they don’t exactly meet expectations.
What Are The Five Languages Of Love
Dr. Chapman firmly believes that each person has a primary and a secondary love language and he theorizes that people tend to give love in the way that they prefer to receive love, as we do not all have the same preferences when it comes to giving and receiving love, this is how relationships can start to get complicated. But by understanding the inherent love language, we can begin to break down walls in our romantic lives.
Lets finally learn what the languages of love are.
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Love Language Quiz: What Is My Love Language
To find your type, read the following statements and mark the ones that deeply resonate with you. Filter it through: How do you show love? What do you complain about in a relationship? What do you request or actively need from your partner on a day-to-day basis? The one with the most statements you resonate with is your primary love language. If two or more languages are tied for first place , use the process of elimination and work your way down the list until you are left with one or two languages that you are not willing to part with.
What Are The 5 Love Languages
The five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, where he describes these five unique styles of communicating love, categories he distilled from his experience in marriage counseling and linguistics.
“We all may relate to most of these languages, but each of us has one that speaks to us the most,” marriage and family therapist Sunny Motamedi, Psy.D., tells mbg. “Discovering you and your partner’s primary love language and speaking that language regularly may a better understanding of each other’s needs and support each other’s growth.”
Here’s an overview of each of the five love languages Chapman describes:
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Pdf Summary Chapter : The Joys Of Beginning A Relationship
The feeling of being in love usually only lasts up to two years. Outside of the falling-in-love bubble lives responsibilities and basic human behaviors. If we can understand why love changes when the first blush of bliss fades, we can maintain a loving relationship.
The intrusion of base realities can quickly drain our energy and admiration of a loved one.
- Our partner may leave nose clippings in the sink or dirty socks on the floor.
- The need to support ourselves with jobs puts our focus on money, bills, mortgages, and savings, which are not sexy or romantic.
- Children require attention and resources, which can create competition and tension among couples.
Back in reality, these factors add up, changing our view from âanything is possibleâ to âhow can we make this work.â And the love tank continues to deplete. From this diminished place, love has been lost or forgotten. Resentments grow when we feel the love we fell in love with fall by the wayside. A lack of love—or an emotion or action expressing the opposite of love—can feel like a dagger to our hearts.
The issue isnât that the love we share isnât real or strong enough. **The issue is that…
The 5 Love Languages Summary
Chapman is convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile.
When your spouses emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potential in life.
Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.
Giving verbal compliments is one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.
We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.
Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another.
We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.
When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are introducing the element of choice. This is important because we cannot get emotional love by way of demand.
If your mates primary love language is quality time, your spouse simply wants you, being with them, spending time.
Spending time with your mate in a common pursuit communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other, that you like to do things together.
Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.
We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.
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Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should work to learn their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
Love Language #: Physical Touch
Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.
I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub literally. Theyd do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, theyre experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.
While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone whos overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.
Watch Carol Bruesss TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here:
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Summary & Review Of The 5 Love Languages Book
Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages book has sold over 12 million copies, has been a #1 New York Times Bestseller for 8 years running and is now celebrating its 25th anniversary. Now, that’s a special book!
The 5 Love Languages gives you the keys and the power to transform your relationships. It should be read by everyone, and it may pertain to any type of relationship.
Love Languages: Acts Of Service
Acts of services means the things a person performs as a way to communicate what they feel. There are a lot of different examples of this: preparing a meal with love, taking care of the home you share, caring for the other person when theyre sick. Theyre simple acts, but they demonstrate love.
Now you know what the 5 love languages are. And now you can see how not everyone expresses love the same way for everyone. There are all kinds of love languages out there and knowing about them opens the door to a world filled with more kind words, thoughtful gifts, and warm embraces.
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Description Of The Language Of Time
Chapman singles out the language of time as one of the languages of love. For someone who speaks it, the main value is to spend time with their partner. However, the concept of time as the central phenomenon in Chapmans approach to mending relationship could be seen as slightly misleading. For example, the author mentions the concept of quality activities in tandem with the notion of quality time as the construct that must be introduced into the therapy to produce a tangible impact on the relationships. Chapman provides the following touching commentary offered by one of his patients: I feel most loved by my wife when we do things together, things I like to do and things she likes to do. We talk more. The latter statement plays a particularly crucial role in bringing the relationships together and promoting a better rapport between partners.
Therefore, if an individual sacrifices their time for a persons sake and is ready to take a break from everything for a couple of hours to be around, they really love them. This is how the one who speaks the language of time thinks. Moreover, only the time is considered when a person is concentrated exclusively on a partner. Thus, watching TV together, as Chapman argues, does not count. Walking together, dinner without a TV in the background, notifications on the phone, and other things that distract that is what a person who speaks the language of time needs.